Guilt
by Fuji S
Summary: Ed feels a heavy guilt when it comes to Al


**Disclaimer:**_ Full Metal Alchemist does not belong to the writer but this story and it contents does. Please do not sue the writer since the writer isn't getting any money off this story._

**Title:** Guilt  
**Author:** Fuji S. Yuki  
**Anime:** FMA  
**Status:** Completed  
**Time Completed:** 9:02 pm PMT 2-22-04  
**Pairings:** Could be Implied Elric-cest.  
**Editor:** Ebby

_Guilt._ It crept over him clawing, tugging, biting painfully at the organ of his heart. Always inches closer to it's goal towards the desolation of his soul.

People have always indicated that the world is full of rules on humanity; one such rule was that they were damned to live, after all the ruling instincts of an animal's survival was to live. Yet, for humans, there were quite a few individuals that were adverse to that rule to survive, for some found the determination to end it all by offing their life source and submitting their soul to the purgatory of their own damnation. These individuals lived and yet they did not, for who can really say what is in the after life.

Edward Elric knew that he was damned, when he was small, he was lucid enough to believe that the world was bright and wonderful, like any normal ignorant child. With eyes tinted with the resolution of pink cheerfulness, never knowing or really understanding the gray scales of destruction and atrocity that raged across the region of space that they resided in.

Children were usually protected, with their own blind innocence, from what stood outside in the real world, these children knew no better then what they were told, as the saying goes. But Edward Elric no longer stood on that planar of ignorance; because the last shreds of his innocence had been torn away like a torrent of dispelling water. 

Leaving him ragged and alone with _Guilt_.

Ed, as his friends and associates called him, was left choking in the dust of life because of that guilt. What he had once seen as a happy go lucky childhood, was swallowed whole by the monstrosity of his own actions. He and his brother, Alphonse, or Al for short, committed a crime; surely at the time it had seemed like a good idea. But in the end they had paid dearly for their actions, many individuals would cry out in mourning for them, after all, were they not children? Ignorant of what they were doing-Oh don't be mistaken, they were given prior warning by their good neighbor, but desperate and aching to see their mother's smile just once more, they had gone through with it anyways.

So now they were damned, their innocence stripped away and cursed to roam for an eternity in their wretchedness.

Alas their fate was grief striking-yet there was still hope, the last clinging strands left of their tattered innocence, urging them to regain what they had lost.

Stupid. What they sought after, chased after, was a fool's errand, but even so they walked onward looking for it. Though as the years passed, the motive and purpose behind their reasons began to blur like a moving train for Edward. He could no longer remember why he sought so hard to return what they had lost.

But—each day he lived on and was reminded time and time again by the burden called Guilt. It wouldn't let go of him, it crept onward moaning and groaning at him. Demanding that he feed it, nurse it, until it too would consume his soul as penance for his crimes.

For it was his fault, truly it was his fault, for what had happened, his stupid ignorance had lead to his and Al's destruction. Every night he would lay down on his bed, closing his eyes, only to relive-yes relive the crime of their punishment over and over again. Until finally he jerked upright in agony, with sweat covering his brow and desperately looked over to his arm, hoping against all hope that it had all just been a nightmare, only to be disappointed by what his eyes found. 

Metal.

The cold feeling of it, the way it would glint in the moonlight that spewed forth from their tiny window... And then the Guilt would howl in laughter, rearing it's ugly head, taunting him, blood aching as it circled throughout his veins at the thought of Al and his disembodied state, almost as if in protest to the fact that he still lived and breathed while his brother lived a parody of humanity

Then the voices would drone into the night, calling his name, whispering for help and and crying in loneliness-the voice of his brother, a blunt reminder of why he still still strived to reach his goal, a goal that had been birthed by Guilt at the loss of his brother's precious body. He was a sinner now, not even the innocence of a mere child could shield him from that fact anymore. 

It is a fool's journey, a small voice chided mockingly to Ed as he trudged through the sand with his companion. Ironic, to say the least, that he realized this inwardly, but he had to atone for what he had done to return what was lost to his brother and so he continued onward and onward hoping to sate that wretched emotion called _Guilt_.

Edward didn't feel much emotions anymore-sometimes he would smile, but usually that smile would have a certain edge to it, an edge that would keep sharpening throughout all that he had seen and done and because of it he felt old. Even if he was forever frozen in a small, still developing body, even if he still looked like a kid, Edward felt old, as old as time itself, but it wasn't something that he displayed outwardly, or maybe it was because he couldn't. Instead he chose to show it only when he was alone or standing by himself, bitterly recounting and reflecting upon the past as he felt the bones ache, from where the nerves were connected to the auto mail, as a reminder of his sin.

The day that he had the auto mail set onto the stub of his arm and leg, was the day he remembered the pain and that pain helped serve to drown out the mocking voice that always accompanied him, no matter what, along with the Guilt he felt. In that brief moment, those feelings disappeared for a short period of time, as the pain shot through his body, it was all he knew. Yet he rode it in ecstasy because it eroded the self deprecating feelings he felt and he took an almost masochistic pleasure in the fact that he was suffering. Suffering, he took it upon himself to feel this way, for he would never know the multitudes of agony that his brother felt in that bodiless form he donned due to the crimes they had both committed.

His brother's suffering was his own fault, but Ed didn't want to be alone, he feared it badly and because he feared it so, he would take on the feelings his brother had lost-all the while knowing and admitting that it was selfish of him, to try and hold Al to this world.

So he struck a deal, as any child afraid of being alone would do, if it were the devil or not, he wasn't sure, but he struck a deal with the devil, in the hopes of keeping his brother. A deal was a deal, a promise was a promise, however Ed had to work for his over all goal, and that was to give his brother back the body that was taken away from him. Even though Ed still wanted to live, he found his purpose for doing so, sinking far away from his grasp, the only thing standing between him and complete annihilation was his brother. Always his brother-- the welfare of his little ototo was his main concern, even if he was ridden by the wave of guilt. His sin. Ed couldn't die just yet, he couldn't give up until he had fixed everything that he had done wrong."

The Love that he felt for his brother was all that he had going for him. Sometimes Love could be selfish—Ed knew he was selfish. He also knew that Love was connected to Guilt, if he did not feel guilty for what he had done as a sinner, then he wouldn't have loved at all.

And that was the one thing that he counted on.

Even if he were damned he would accept that all for his brother—Al.


End file.
